A Survival Guide to Man Flu by Jarad Henry

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Having recently been unwell, this week I thought I would provide a guide on surviving the “Man Flu”, and in doing so present irrefutable evidence that not only does the “Man Flu” or “Man Cold” exist, but that its effects on the man are far worse, both in severity and duration of symptoms, than they are for women.

I will also provide hints and tips for both men and women on how to survive this dreadful condition, as well as some of the things to avoid if a person in your household or family is unfortunate enough to contract such an ailment.

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It is no secret that men and women are different, not just physically but also emotionally and psychologically. In the best-selling book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, Dr John Grey set out to help men and women understand this phenomenon. So too did married couple, Allan and Barbara Pease, who wrote a similar high-brow book called Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps.

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So how does this apply to the Man Flu? Well, let’s put some scientific context into the equation. When an embryo forms it begins with two X chromosomes. If the embryo is to form into a female foetus, the two X chromosomes will remain and a baby girl will be delivered. If a Y chromosome replaces one of the X’s, then a baby boy will be born. In effect, humans all start out as females, which is why men have nipples and other features that are left over from the XX chromosome stage. It is at this early stage that it becomes apparent that young boys are not as clever or show poor judgment by comparison to their female counterparts, often braking bones and suffering serious injuries as the young boy grows into a man.

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Why is this so?

Firstly, the young boy has an extra “package” that draws blood from other parts of the body, including the brain. As the boy matures into a man, this deficiency leads to impulsiveness and risk-taking behaviour, quite often because blood is flowing away from the brain, often toward the so-called “second brain” down below. Mix this with a combination of bravado, peer pressure, alcohol and testosterone, and you have a volatile mixture where more injuries, accidents and mistakes occur over time and the man’s immune system becomes even more weakened and therefore more susceptible to the common cold or other flu-like viruses that his female counterpart may be able to withstand.

Further, men are for the most part, less hygienic than women, often not washing their hands after going to the toilet, sometimes even eating food immediately thereafter. This further weakens the immune system, leaving the male more vulnerable to Man Flu or Cold. Then, at the far end of the scale, it is well established that men die younger than women, for a multitude of reasons. Below is an image depicting just a few of the many reasons men die younger than women.

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So once a Man Flu or Cold is contracted, with his immune system weakened after years of stupidity, accidents and lack of blood flowing through the “upper” brain, it stands to reason that the duration and severity of symptoms suffered by the man will be far more significant and distressing than if the same virus were contracted by a woman. Therefore, the treatment necessary to assist the man in his recovery will be different in nature and again, longer in duration.

Treatment:

The following guidelines are not to be taken as actual medical advice, rather to assist in home treatment of Man Flu. It is recommended that 2 copies of this be kept, one stored in a safe place and another given to a woman assigned to assist the man during his recovery. If the woman assigned to assist the man in his recovery is unavailable, uncomfortable or lacking appropriate skills or empathy, it is recommended that a female nurse be hired to take on such responsibilities. An image of what such a nurse should look like is provided below for your reference.

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They can usually be found in the “adult” section of your local classified newspaper. Although such nurses are expensive, they are highly trained professionals and their services will assist in speeding up the man’s recovery, so the outlay will be worth the outcome, as the man will recover quicker and be able to return to work as soon as possible.

When briefing the nurse, ensure she is aware of the man’s condition so that she may come prepared with appropriate equipment. Although not all men will require the same treatment the following list provides a guide for what may be of significant benefit in restoring the man to good health:

– sponge bath

– soft massage

– cool facial towel

– provision of water

– feeding of food

– adjusting the TV channel

– dispensing of pain killers

– showering / washing

– changing of clothes

– gentle body rub

The above list, although not exhaustive, if provided with adequate sympathy and compassion, will greatly improve the man’s recovery time and relieve the suffering he will endure throughout the duration of the Man Flu episode. Ideally, a daily chart or schedule of the nurse’s activities should be drawn up and shown to the man. This will boost his mood and give him something positive to focus on during his recovery. If required, multiple nurses may be hired to work on a rotational basis, meaning a suitably qualified professional may be at his bedside throughout the entire period of time in which he is unwell.

This is particularly beneficial at night time, when the man is likely to suffer worsening symptoms and require reassurance that the illness will pass and that he has someone there to look after him, whatever his needs may be. Finally, it is important to remember that in general men do not treat themselves to facials at the salon or day spa retreat, nor do they spoil themselves with manicures or pedicures as often as women do. These indulgences boost the immune system and therefore serve to increase the importance of hiring such as nurse as her services will make up for the lack of male self-indulgence throughout the rest of the year.

On the contrary, if the above advice is ignored and the man is berated for being “childish”, or treated unkindly whilst suffering Man Flu this will lengthen the duration and the severity of the illness. Symptoms such as fever, body ache, trembling and inability to function are likely to extend beyond a few days to a few weeks and may well even cause a mutation of the Man Flu to something far more sinister and long lasting. It is not uncommon for men in these instances to fall into a deep psychological depression, where they do not believe they will ever be the same again. Indeed, many are not.

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So there you have it, definitive proof that Man Flu not only exists, but also genuine scientific background as to its causes and how to treat such an incapacitating ailment. Don’t forget to keep a copy of this guide in a safe place, perhaps near your first aid kit, and discuss this with your family and partners, so that if the unfortunate event should happen and someone you know contracts Man Flu, you know exactly what to do.

In the meantime, keep up the Vitamin C and stay well.

 

The new edition of Head Shot is out now and will soon be available on Amazon and Kindle.  Click the below cover image for a look at the YouTube trailer. 

 

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