An Open letter to the Aliens by Barbara Nadel

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Dear High Commander of the Greys, Monarch of the Little Green Men, the Great Hydrangea in the Sky or whatever you’re called,

Earth here. You know that green and blue blob near the sun? A bit smoky round the edges these days? Hello. How are you? How’s the family/whoop?

I know we don’t get in touch all that often and when we do we’ve usually got tin-foil on our heads and some of us may even be playing that annoying tune from ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ on Hammond organ. Apologies for that. We’re a very stupid civilisation, brought up to believe that you lot have legs and arms and stuff like we do – and that you’re all anorexic. But then that’s why I’m calling. We, the human race, have got into a real mess this time and we need your help.

I’m just a humble writer of crime fiction so I’m not powerful or anything, but then no-one who does have any power down here is doing very much right now. And things are deeply shit. At this moment we have several major conflicts going on here on planet Earth.

A place called the Ukraine is being threatened by a much larger place called Russia. And although some of the people in the Ukraine quite like these Russian types and would be into the idea of them taking over, they haven’t really thought it through. I say this because Russia’s leader is what we like to call an autocratic arse. This means that he insists on getting his own way in all things. If he doesn’t he gets very upset and if people criticise him, they have a tendency to die. Moving on…

In what we call the Middle East there are two situations at the moment. One is long running and is called the Israel/Palestine problem, the other one is in a place called Iraq. Let me take Israel/Palestine first.

This conflict goes back a very long way but for an outsider, like yourself, all you really need to know is that these two groups want the same piece of land which they both say someone called God has given to them. God doesn’t actually get involved Himself (more sense) but in His name, these people fire rockets at each other, blow each other up, rape and torture and generally act like thwarted children. God is probably furious. But the upshot of this is that this whole region, known as the Middle East, has now descended into chaos. Which brings me to Iraq.

Long ago Iraq was ruled by a total bastard who made a lot of people’s lives hell. Nobody cared much but then one day some people not from the Middle East decided to attack the total bastard and his country in order to free his people – although not really. What they really wanted was the fuel underneath Iraq. But anyway the bastard died and the people were ‘freed’. Sadly then they found themselves being persecuted by some new bastards. These people also did what they did in the name of God, who had to be completely confused by this time, especially in view of the fact that all these bastards seemed to have different ideas about what He wanted them to do. This went on and on and on until eventually a new group of even worse bastards arose who told the world that their relationship with God was better than anyone else’s and if anybody disagreed they’d cut their heads (the blob at the top of the body) off.

And believe it or not, this lot went even further. Without a word from God, they decided that, in His name, they had to rape women, bury people alive and ruin the lives of millions. God is still silent as of this moment, as far as I know. So that is why I’m contacting you.

The human race needs a bit of slap, if you know what I mean. So many of us have become bad, using poor God as an excuse – although the Russians don’t do that – we need to be stopped. So if you can possibly see your way to sending in the Super Forces, I would be grateful. A couple of mega ships over the following cities will be a start. The are: Moscow, Baghdad, Jerusalem and Damascus. You can also pop a smaller one over a place called London too but just make sure you don’t damage anything that looks as if it has any merit. You’ll know what I mean. Oh and if you see a lot of men in suits going into a big Gothicy building with a clock at one end, just give ‘em a quick zap, we don’t need them.

As you can see from the above, we’ve regressed horribly and I believe that only outside intervention can save us now. So please do come. I don’t know what you want in return for this service, but whatever it is, you can have it. I’ve got sweets, cakes and some beer and, if necessary, I can probably get some dancing girls (or boys) together. The dancing girls and boys are actually really good eggs and don’t like all this chaos any more than I do so I’m sure they’ll help. But anyway do get back to me and don’t forget your probes. There are a lot of humans, mainly those carrying guns, who would benefit from a good proctological investigation. All the best


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