Colin’s Awesome Vacation Part 3 by Colin Cotterill

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I woke up this morning and it felt like the bed was tossing and turning beneath me. But that was because the bed was tossing and turning beneath me. A barge built like James Gandolfino had just passed by and left my bedroom in its wake. I’m on a houseboat on Portage Bay, Seattle overlooking the University of Washington. Even at sunrise the boat crews were paddling by looking hopefully at their cox. (Lucky this isn’t a radio broadcast). As the sun rose, young temptresses in various states of undress punted past my window on paddle boards. Day trippers stopped and took photos of me probably not to realize I was THE Colin Cotterill until later when they got home.  A little earlier, Lizzie my web mistress jumped off the roof. Luckily she landed in the water. She assured me it was clean enough to drink but there are a hell of a lot of ducks out there and I don’t see any ducky Porta-loos lined up on the shore.
At last it isn’t the 7th anymore. The 7th was an endless day that started for me at 6am in Tokyo and ended four weeks later here in Washington. I was always one step ahead of the International Date Line. The slight chill I picked up in the sub-zero A/C of Surat airport had become a throaty rasp at my annual medical in Bangkok and an ornamental nose fountain by Tokyo. I picked up some heavy-duty antihistamines in Japan which sucked all the liquid out of my body and left me a crispy flake of ex-Colin on ANA seat 7A. (“Just add water and watch it retain its normal shape.”). An Indian meal and a couple of beers with Lizzie (her dinner, my breakfast) didn’t help. So when I went to bed last night on the endless 7th my condition was critical. The chances of me making it to the 8th were remote. Any women reading this wouldn’t understand just how severely the common cold can ravage a man. It’s different for us.
Bravely I hit the bookshops today, Elliot Bay and Seattle Mystery and mustered the strength to sign my books there. This increased the odds of customers buying them by about two percent. But it did mean the shops wouldn’t be able to return them to the publishers. Let’s all give a cheer to the Indys.
In sympathy, my HP Mini crashed today. It’s 6 months old and this is its second disaster so don’t buy one. It has limited my ability to communicate so don’t be surprised if this is the last installment of Colin’s Awesome Vacation. Of course absence might also be a result of my death. It’s evening now and the cold has a grip on my life. I’m making the most of these last few hours by raising a glass of red (fruit, so technically medicine) to the passing pleasure boats and the glorious night lights that decorate my bay. They aren’t as soothing as my Pak Nam squid boats but they’ll do. There are supersized ducks at my feet waiting for that moment when I keel over and drop my crisps (potatoes, so technically herbs). Farewell world. May the blobosphere be with you.

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