Colin’s Awesome Vacation Part 8 by Colin Cotterill

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I got an email today asking me if I’d like to add three inches to my penis. But honestly, who needs a 27 inch penis? Yes. You’ve probably suspected I’ve become really cocky since i started to see myself as an ‘International Guest of Honour (They call it honor but since they’re American) at Bouchercon. It’s so tempting to see yourself as bigger and longer than everyone else but that’s only because you never have to undress. Once the rumour (aka rumor) has been circulated, nobody actually looks beneath your clothing. If you strutt enough they believe you’re somebody.

After my Lost People of Amazon panel on Thursday I was on a high. Everything worked. Lot of laughs. Great people on the panel. Great audience. I was Errol Flynn. Only natural that everything should go flacid from there on. On Saturday they had me sitting between Laura Lipmann and Sarah Paretsky with a bunch of geniuses discussing social politics and law. Like having a Teletubby on Hardtalk. It was the type of panel I could have contributed more to by being in the audience. Intelligence isn’t my strong point. I didn’t get any of it: neither the jokes nor the questions. I said ‘Um’ a lot and it soon became apparent to the moderator that i was a potted plant. Never – as they say – again.

It occurred to me I might have exceeded my maximum warp speed and hit overburn when I took a nap at 4:15 that afternoon and woke up at 4:15 the next morning. Apparently nobody had missed me. I had a cup of tea. Watched Almost Legal Babysitters On The Job on Pay-for-view and went back to bed again.

It appears that some unknown from Thailand won the Shamus Award for best original paperback for Asia Hand while I was unconscious . Some fellow called Moan or Mower or something. It’s quite common knowledge you just have to hand over a few dollars and you can get an award in this country but, bloody well done, CG and I am NOT carrying it back with me.

So, a double for Thailand. Despite my trumpeting, this has been a humbling few days for me. The organizers might think they were just flying over some sweet young country boy as an exotic addition to panels but it’s been a defining moment in my career and I can only thank the organizers for choosing me. A postumous hug for David.

Next stop, Graceland.

Yelling at people in a bar all night naturally leads to . . .

CGM Editorial note: at this point the transmission with Cotterill’s space capsule was terminated. We are looking into the wiring. But that may be a clossal waste of time as he likely passed out after finishing off the last of the tiny bottles of whiskey in the hotel room fridge (leaving the bill to be sorted out by the organizer of Bouchercon). His reputation as a deep space traveler is the main reason he was invited as the International Alien of Honour. St. Louis discovered that our Colin specializes in delivering the complete UFO experience. Elvis we pray for you as what is about to descend on Graceland is beyond anything predicted in the Bible.

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