Let’s hear it for hate wars! by Barbara Nadel

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Even though I don’t live in either Israel or Iran I’m finding that I am increasingly irritated by the rhetoric both these countries employ against each other. We’ve had the promise from Iran that Israel, an apparent ‘tumour’ on the middle east will very soon be completely destroyed or even ‘driven into the sea’ by the great might of the Islamic Republic’s forces. In turn Israel is forever winding up it’s ally, the USA, with grave threats regarding the Israeli need to strike Tehran before Tehran strikes Tel Aviv. To add to the horror of it all, neither leader of Israel or Iran is popular. To my mind one looks like an overfed super criminal while the other one is a tiny hate machine dressed entirely in nylon.

Sartorial inelegance aside, who the hell do Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad think they are? I don’t know but you can bet your boots that they think they’re more important than they are. They both, apparently, have direct lines to the Almighty, they will each defeat the other militarily (because their troops are so bloody marvellous) and neither of them have nuclear weapons (honest!). Just give them the chance to get stuck in and they’re show the rest of us a thing or two. Except that (and I am banking on this eventually becoming a reality) they won’t.

Iran and Israel have more in common than they’d like to admit. They both have economic problems and they both have rising populations who want to have futures. Basically both Israel and Iran have fucked up royally on the domestic front and now they need a war to take everybody’s minds away from the awful truth of the situation. At a lower level this is happening here in the UK at the moment. Our Chancellor George Osborne, lives in a state of constant tension as he tries furiously to convince someone that he knows what he’s doing with our failing economy. But he doesn’t. During the Olympics he had a fine old time waving a Union Flag about and saying ‘isn’t it marvellous to be British’ to anyone who would listen. But that shiny distraction has gone now and we’re back to tiny silly ideas like the one about our great hospitals selling their ‘brands’ abroad to help fund their activities at home. How will that work George and why would foreign countries want to help fund the National Health Service here?

But back to Iran and Israel. Personally I think that the USA will ultimately be able to restrain Israel, unless of course Iran do attack. But I can’t help thinking that they are just sabre rattling. Still, it’s all very annoying and it worries people and quite honestly I think it should be sorted out and stopped right away. And here’s how.

Ahmadinajad and Netanyahu in a white room with nothing in it, fighting to the death. No-one else is in there with them and they’re allowed no food, drink or weapons. They can come out if they agree to play nicely and not be horrible to each other again but if they won’t do that, it’s hand to hand combat to the death. I’m all for it. Because why should anyone else get involved? These two want a war, well let them have one, their own.

I know I’m not alone in thinking that politicians are childish and pathetic. I suppose one should feel sorry for them really. Who are they? They’re the kids that bullied you at school, they’re the boss who does what he likes with you because you need the job to pay your rent and he enjoys the power he exerts over you. When I was young I used to believe that one day a revolution would happen that would take power out of the hands of politicians and put it under the auspices of the people. But now I’ve grown up and I know better. No-one is coming to save us and so all we can do is rage against these morons whenever we are able. Oh and I think we should build some white rooms for politician fighting somewhere. Who knows maybe one day there will be consequences for people like Netanyahu and Ahmadinejad? I do hope so.

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